He works in the industry I will be working in after college and we met that way. I had always been interested in guys older than me but not 14 years older so he made the first move and asked me out. We went out to dinner a couple of times in February and things were great: Part of this is because I'm still a virgin.
In contrast, he is very much not and has had lots of sexual relationships both casually and in long term relationships his last one was 4 years-they broke up bc he did not feel comfortable with marrying her. Because of this, he often and very bluntly expressed interest in becoming sexual with me and at one point early into the relationship said he needed something more and I said I wasnt up for it so we split briefly because of that.
By briefly I mean he immediately regretted his decision because he started texting and asking to meet up only a couple days later. The issue is that these brief "breakups" have been common since February but for different reasons and we always get back together very quickly.
We text everyday when we're together and when we're broken up we still text every days he initiates mostly. Honestly its gotten to the point that if we havent talked in 2 days I feel weird. He has since the first "I need more" breakup expressed that he does want more but has never pushed me.
During the summer, he asked me if I wanted to be in an relationship with him. He says everyone he's asked to be in a relationship with, he had a similar long term view. This doesn't make sense as he's only had 2 long term relationships before. Does looking at relationships this way make sense to others here?
I want to be in a longer term relationship with him maybe 2 years but I can't see anything more unless after the two years I think he is "the one". He recently said he couldn't be with me fully because he thinks "I'm still evolving and he doesn't want to influence me while I'm still growing" "He is so torn because he really likes me but doesnt think this is the right time for us and would rather wait until I'm older" The hard part is he says he would feel better when I'm 21 and infinitely better when I'm He also says he might be wrong and "despite my being confused, I really care about you and would prefer you happy over stressed" and that "full contact doesn't feel right but no contact isn't right either" So it feels like he's stringing me along..
I guess before it was more of a speedbump now its like a brick wall or mountain in the middle of the road. He is convinced that if we were together now "I would hate him 5 years down the road for influencing me and taking the best years of my life" Can anyone shed light on these feelings? After all of his blunt interest in the past, all of a sudden "he doesn't want to be the guy to take my virginity. Before he preached about "strong feelings" and "love down the line" and I know he's told some of his family about me who seemed to have been supportive.
How could someone who talks about that completely flip flop to "I can't see you anymore because if I do I know I won't let you go"? It doesn't make sense because I used to stay over at his place all the time It doesn't sound to me that he is behaving particularly badly It sounds as though he likes you but is aware of the difficulties above.
As the more experienced party it is not surprising that he is more alert to those. He sounds conflicted but it doesn't sound as though this has much of a future. One of the advantages of dating people your own age is that they are more likely of course, not guaranteed but more likely to have had reasonably similar levels of experience and levels of interest in commitment as you. Assigning a length to a relationship that hasn't even started yet seems to be overthinking it.
In my view, women under this is of course a vast generalization--are still too young to know their emotional minds fully. That said, I married a young woman, 29 years my junior. We are now on our 29th year of marriage, with two great children from our union. It is not meaningful to "regret" your life, but now that I have the opportunity to advise someone with almost exactly the same questions and choices, I really want to say: He is in a very different place in life from you, and he doesn't seem very mature.
The dirty rule is as follows: Apart from that, I don't enter into relationships with preconceived ideas of length, generally, so all that discussion struck me as weird. I do think that I personally matured a lot from or thereabouts, so I understand the "not fully evolved" bit and think there might be a point there. I'm not even gonna touch the sex issue, though -- when and with whom you choose to have sex is your decision and your intended partner's, of course.
Overall, I have to say that there are plenty of fish in the sea. You ought to be able to find someone without all these issues and mini-breakups. Good luck to you. As a 21 year old, I went out with guys 11 years older than me. In hindsight, and with the perspective of more experience, I was manipulated.
Not much, but it was there. My daughter is a very emotionally and otherwise intelligent 20 year old who is also a virgin, and I would not be happy for her, if she entered a relationship with a 34 year old at this point. I believe she deserves to have someone at her level, with her popular cultural background, who she can have as a friend as well as a lover. An older man is fun, and exciting, and interesting, but my opinion, for what it's worth - not for your first. Especially if he's conflicted.
But not when you're a virgin. This guy is telling you in 5 years time, you'll hate him. I think there's a part of you that wants to help him and persuade him that you'll never believe that, and prove to him that he's a good guy. Actual good guys don't do that, they're just awesome. There are power dynamics with such a large age gap - these are in his favour.
The fact he wants that to be your problem not his is a massive screaming red flag. It sounds like he's giving himself a list of excuses so if he does hurt you, he can persuade himself he warned you.
Listen to his warnings. Actually, this guy doesn't sound that conflicted anymore. Yes, he had been sending you mixed signals in the past. But right now, he seems to be clearly expressing that he does not want to date you.
I think you need to move on from this one. If he can't enthusiastically get his head around dating you for whatever the reason, you deserve better. But by 34, he is pretty much where he's going to be. The worry with age gaps like that is it's very easy for the much older person to unduly influence the growth and development of the younger person, whether conscious or subconsciously, because the younger person is so very malleable at that point.
It would be hard for anyone his age who's been sexually active to not pressure you, simply because they're so accustomed to having sex.
He's been having sex, legally drinking if you're in the US , living independently, all of that for years. He has definite ideas of how he likes to do things and what he wants.
Because he's sure of these things and you're not it is kind of inevitable that in some way you're going to be heavily influenced by him. If he was extremely inexperienced in relationships himself this would be a little easier since you'd be thinking about these things together. That's not the case. This does not mean you should be ready to have sex and shack up. He wants a long-term relationship, you aren't ready for that yet.
He broke up with you for not being ready for sex yet. And he already isn't sure about the relationship because of your age. And he's uncomfortable with taking your virginity. From your post it sounds like he just doesn't feel right about dating someone 20 years old and his concerns seem legitimate to me. There's nothing wrong with dating someone older IMO but this gentleman isn't the older person that you want to be dating. Also, it sounds like he has been preparing you for when he loses interest once he does succeed.
I think he's being selfish and doesn't have your best interest in mind. He wants to do right by you; he doesn't want to make false promises to get into your pants.
This has become increasingly true as he's got closer to you. He isn't entirely clear on what you're waiting for. Maybe you're waiting for a serious expression of commitment from him. But he's getting near the limit of what he can promise in good faith. Maybe you're waiting for something he can't offer, but you haven't worked that out yet. Maybe you want a disney prince charming or a calvin klein model to light an instinctive fire in your loins.
He figures if that was going to happen it would have happened by now. Maybe it's something else or you aren't sure what you want. If it's 2a or 2b he figures if he persuades you to lose your virginity to him he'll be short-changing you - that you'll be thinking well, I was hoping for more, but I might as well settle for this guy.
He doesn't want to do that because of 1. If it's 2c he figures someone older might have thought more about what they want and might be able to clearly articulate it - or they'd have already lost their virginity and he wouldn't have to over-think this plate of beans.
Or don't, I mean, it's not the end of the world to have a little heartache, but still, this is such bad news. It's gotten to the point where this kind of behavior automatically makes me lose a huge amount of respect for the person who is doing it because I've had such shitty experiences with guys like this in the past. I think you could do a lot better and are getting caught up in the "will we or won't we" excitement that he's generating, and it sounds like a bit of a waste of time.
Yes, you could be miserable in five years time. But how will you ever know? Apparently now you're both not confident enough to have your relationship. I myself would go try it. As someone said, it's not a contract.