I guess the mother in me wanted to be there for him. I could tell he was a good person and that he had just been badly hurt. There was something about him, that just pulled me like a magnet. Chemistry off the charts. He said he felt it too. But the harsh reality is he was coming off a nasty divorce that only happened just three short months ago.
What I neglected to realize is the more time I spent with him, the more I would just fall for him and want to get closer and closer to him, and want him to do the same for me. This is when our problems became clear. It was in protection mode. It was too damaged to listen, too guarded to care. And I get it. I have had my heart broken too. The tragedy of humans, is we often love the wrong people. Perhaps it seems too good to be true. I ask myself this question — Do I deny good men?
But at 31, I greatly appreciate someone who treats me well. I look for it. Manners, kindness and all that. I love a gentleman. Someone who opens doors for me, compliments me, asks how my day was.
I love all that cheesy shit. I know I deserve it and I can fully appreciate it. To accept shitty behavior. Chronic shitty behavior that is, because we all act shitty from time to time. When your heart is still full of love and anguish for someone else. It needs time to unnattach itself. And that sounds so crazy because we are talking about an organ here as if it has some magical powers — to love. But why do we always talk about the heart when we talk about love?
Who came up with the idea that love lives in your heart anyways? When we get devastating news, our hand covers our heart in pain, as if to cover the hurt inside — inside our hearts. I have no proof love actually resides inside the human heart, but I am going to assume it does. It has to live somewhere in our bodies?
But back to my point — a broken heart. This is both a blessing and a curse, because it means when you love someone — it sticks.
If it were, we would all move on quickly and with few tears. I recently tried loving someone who was amidst heartbreak. It was near impossible. I could tell he wanted to accept my love and take it all in.
I know now first hand the importance of healing a broken heart from my own experience and watching his. We thought we could sidestep it, quicken it, or overlook the fact his heart was broken by building a new relationship with each other. He was only capable of giving me half of himself, and I am incapable of givng anything but all of me. All in, when I find someone I truly value. So it was unbalanced. He needed more time to catch up to my healed and beating, ready to love heart. I think of him everyday.
And I truly hope he finds the healing he needs. He may never come back, I know that. But I miss him a lot, and I know he needs to be alone for awhile. Time really does heal all wounds. I know this from my own divorce. I dated during the separation, but I was always sad. To pull him out of the pit. And then I have my own needs and wants that are just going neglected. I wish he would hold me of his own desire. Kiss me without me asking. This man was broken.
My heart goes out to him. I want to be mad about it. My pride wants to say well screw you then. He may not know it yet, but I do. But alone is where he needs to be right now. So he can find himself again. So his heart can heal and become even stronger in the process. I am just getting in the way of all that. Of everything he needs. But I have to face the music.
My heart just resonated with his. Some things are only felt in the heart. Perhaps my heart knows pain and has urges to heal it. Compassion, and all that. But I do know as much as I love to give, I have to remember to let someone pour into me. I have to have love too. I love to love. I love to make a man feel good. Are scared of it. I wish I could find someone who loves as big as I do, maybe that would be the answer.
My twin flame romance. Someone who can take and give just as much. That would be beautiful. This person touched my heart. He was special to me. I will try to wait, but I am tired. My arms wide open. My care and concern. My ability to really listen and understand when something is bothering him.
The look in my eye that says, you amaze me and I want you. So he can take all of me, and fully understand the value of my love. And if not, I hope he finds a love worth fighting for. I hope we all do. We are living in dark times. Love is the only thing that makes all the pain worth it.