Dating a physically handicapped person. Timeline of disability rights in the United States.



Dating a physically handicapped person

Dating a physically handicapped person

You can't fancy men because you're in a wheelchair. Consciously or not, it appears our airbrushed society wants to assume that only the physically perfect should be getting laid. The general view is that disabled people don't have sex.

As with elderly people and the underaged, we prefer to believe they're safely tucked up in bed alone. Disabled sex is taboo, but denying its existence has never made it go away. Some argue that, by denying a sex life, we deny disabled people their full human rights. Disabled people who want a sexual relationship are not just up against the perception that they don't have sex. There are practical issues.

A couple need to meet first before they can have a relationship. Transport and access issues can deter disabled people from going out to socialise, as can poverty. Often, the institutional world around disabled people appears to be conspiring against them having sex and relationships. Ron, who is visually impaired, uses a specialist dating agency.

For those disabled people who live in care institutions, lack of privacy can be a problem. Staff walk into bedrooms unannounced. Some Christian homes will allow only the residents' married partners to visit their bedrooms, and for disabled people living at home, relatives can be overprotective.

For those who are cared for by their spouse, it can be difficult to maintain sexual mystique when their partner has to dress, bathe and take them to the toilet. The choice and control necessary to conduct a satisfying sexual relationship are not always present. There is little in the way of easily accessible, specialist advice on sex and relationships for disabled people. At least two helplines have closed in the past couple of years - one, Regard, ceased when its lottery funding ran out, and a second, Spod, was wound up because of staff and money problems.

More general helpline services are not always helpful. Elena, who has cerebral palsy, tells of when she rang a national charity to discuss her relationship problems.

The person who took her call also had cerebral palsy, but the advice was strangely unsympathetic. I hung up feeling very depressed. He had been sexually active for several years before the accident.

Initially he was confused about how to get sexual satisfaction. I was introduced to the joys of kissing, caressing and stroking, which many abled bodied men miss out on. It has members worldwide and is cited on the internet, in books and in resource packs.

Its founder, Tuppy Owens, has been running Outsiders since and still doesn't know of anyone else who does what they do - which is to talk openly about sex and disability.

Its UK branches meet regularly to discuss relationship issues. It provides information and books and organises social events. There is also a website with a practical suggestions page that deals with issues ranging from "I'm pregnant and have a disability" to "I'm a transvestite and need a woman who understands".

Elena says Outsiders changed her life. I had absolutely no confidence left. Since April, I've been working in the Outsiders [north London] offices and I've done some modelling for their promotional postcards. I've got my confidence back and feel I'm becoming the person I want to be. I think they assume because we deal with sex we're suspicious.

But disability providers have to assess what sort of formal help and assistance should be provided. In the Netherlands, a state-funded provider, SAR, offers a prostitution service for disabled people. In the UK, the legal and moral climate makes that more difficult. Leonard Cheshire, a major disability service provider, has a "personal relationships policy". Ann Smyth, the charity's quality and standards adviser, explains: It could even stretch to undressing a disabled person and physically putting them in a position to have sex - although I must stress that only the appropriate staff would undertake this.

There are strict rules on the latter. A member of staff could dial the number of the prostitute if requested, or they could drive the user to the appointment. But the meeting could not be on Leonard Cheshire property and nor could the staff member accept a reward.

Staff members who object on moral grounds can refuse to be involved. Perhaps the most difficult impairment to reconcile with a healthy sex life is learning disability. Victoria McKenzie, a sex counsellor, says the big issue is consent. Occasionally, the relationship would go before a "human rights commitee". If abuse was detected, measures such as ensuring clients were not left alone together would be put in place. Generally speaking though, sex and disability remains taboo.

Owens says one way ahead is to educate carers "so that they're not protecting the disabled from having a good time". Remembering to put the brakes on helps, too. Outsiders is at www.

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Women & Disabled Men - MGTOW



Dating a physically handicapped person

You can't fancy men because you're in a wheelchair. Consciously or not, it appears our airbrushed society wants to assume that only the physically perfect should be getting laid. The general view is that disabled people don't have sex. As with elderly people and the underaged, we prefer to believe they're safely tucked up in bed alone.

Disabled sex is taboo, but denying its existence has never made it go away. Some argue that, by denying a sex life, we deny disabled people their full human rights. Disabled people who want a sexual relationship are not just up against the perception that they don't have sex. There are practical issues. A couple need to meet first before they can have a relationship.

Transport and access issues can deter disabled people from going out to socialise, as can poverty. Often, the institutional world around disabled people appears to be conspiring against them having sex and relationships. Ron, who is visually impaired, uses a specialist dating agency. For those disabled people who live in care institutions, lack of privacy can be a problem. Staff walk into bedrooms unannounced. Some Christian homes will allow only the residents' married partners to visit their bedrooms, and for disabled people living at home, relatives can be overprotective.

For those who are cared for by their spouse, it can be difficult to maintain sexual mystique when their partner has to dress, bathe and take them to the toilet. The choice and control necessary to conduct a satisfying sexual relationship are not always present. There is little in the way of easily accessible, specialist advice on sex and relationships for disabled people.

At least two helplines have closed in the past couple of years - one, Regard, ceased when its lottery funding ran out, and a second, Spod, was wound up because of staff and money problems. More general helpline services are not always helpful. Elena, who has cerebral palsy, tells of when she rang a national charity to discuss her relationship problems. The person who took her call also had cerebral palsy, but the advice was strangely unsympathetic.

I hung up feeling very depressed. He had been sexually active for several years before the accident. Initially he was confused about how to get sexual satisfaction. I was introduced to the joys of kissing, caressing and stroking, which many abled bodied men miss out on. It has members worldwide and is cited on the internet, in books and in resource packs. Its founder, Tuppy Owens, has been running Outsiders since and still doesn't know of anyone else who does what they do - which is to talk openly about sex and disability.

Its UK branches meet regularly to discuss relationship issues. It provides information and books and organises social events. There is also a website with a practical suggestions page that deals with issues ranging from "I'm pregnant and have a disability" to "I'm a transvestite and need a woman who understands".

Elena says Outsiders changed her life. I had absolutely no confidence left. Since April, I've been working in the Outsiders [north London] offices and I've done some modelling for their promotional postcards. I've got my confidence back and feel I'm becoming the person I want to be. I think they assume because we deal with sex we're suspicious. But disability providers have to assess what sort of formal help and assistance should be provided.

In the Netherlands, a state-funded provider, SAR, offers a prostitution service for disabled people. In the UK, the legal and moral climate makes that more difficult. Leonard Cheshire, a major disability service provider, has a "personal relationships policy".

Ann Smyth, the charity's quality and standards adviser, explains: It could even stretch to undressing a disabled person and physically putting them in a position to have sex - although I must stress that only the appropriate staff would undertake this.

There are strict rules on the latter. A member of staff could dial the number of the prostitute if requested, or they could drive the user to the appointment. But the meeting could not be on Leonard Cheshire property and nor could the staff member accept a reward.

Staff members who object on moral grounds can refuse to be involved. Perhaps the most difficult impairment to reconcile with a healthy sex life is learning disability. Victoria McKenzie, a sex counsellor, says the big issue is consent. Occasionally, the relationship would go before a "human rights commitee". If abuse was detected, measures such as ensuring clients were not left alone together would be put in place.

Generally speaking though, sex and disability remains taboo. Owens says one way ahead is to educate carers "so that they're not protecting the disabled from having a good time". Remembering to put the brakes on helps, too. Outsiders is at www.

Dating a physically handicapped person

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