So my partner of two years left me without warning for a mutual friend three months ago. He is a typical alpha with a lot of …erm…challenges…but I loved him deeply and completely and was planning a future with him. Since the breakup we had zero contact and in this time I have become friends with another guy. But as the weeks have passed, although I continue to feel strong and lingering feelings for my ex, my feelings for the new beta, completely out of my usual range of attraction guy have started growing.
I find myself doubting all my feelings, not least because of the betrayal that I am still processing. Look forward to your perspective. Thanks, Susan Dear Susan, Thanks for the smart and self-aware email. You deserve credit for trying to turn over a new leaf and open up to different read: Should you be dating now?
Are you emotionally available? Still scarred by the last guy? Only you can know that. But I applaud you for getting out there instead of pining away for a guy who demonstrated his lack of integrity by going straight into the arms of your friend. There are two issues here that I want to address separately: You want to know something that is impossible to know.
There are lots of people — men and women alike — who are eager to find love again directly after their painful breakup.
They want to be ready. They dive into a new relationship. These are not bad people; they are driven by their emotions and are doing the best they can. Is it generally a risky bet to date someone on the rebound? But do people on the rebound fall in love every day? I applaud you for getting out there instead of pining away for a guy who demonstrated his lack of integrity by going straight into the arms of your friend.
It just means that to really see if there is something there, you have to allow your guy to be more alpha with you — plan dates, make the first move, and follow up to see you again. So let down your guard. See what its like to be treated well. Try a new relationship on for size and see if it fits. But it would be hard for him to make you happy unless you let him. You were in a relationship with no spark. You were in a relationship with a poor slacker. You were in a relationship with a person who was uptight.
Next time out, you want FUN. My mom married a man who was an overcorrection from her deceased husband. My dad, son of Russian immigrant parents, was not the most chivalrous guy. But to get chivalry, my Mom gave up attraction, humor, respect, and financial stability.
This was not her intention. This was the byproduct of her overcorrection. So, Susan, just because you were with an uber-alpha and need to detox from him does NOT mean you have to go way down the beta scale. You can be with a nice guy who also has opinions, makes decisions, and makes you feel feminine.
Do you FEEL good with this guy? The rest will be written over time. And please come back and let us know how it goes, okay?