Taking your time is important. It had been a long day of travel for me 5 hours to make it from downtown Victoria to downtown Vancouver, ugh , and I was ready for some wine and for just sitting down and relaxing.
Yeah, I had some wine. Maybe a little too much. And he had beer, maybe a little too much. But we eventually ended up at his place anyway. And we started getting frisky. And you know what? And you know what else? First times generally suck. Being good at something takes practice. And gosh, does this ever apply to sex. I mean, sure, there are ways to be naturally more likely to be good at sex: Tim can travel back in time.
They get ready to have sex. The camera lands on them lying in bed, the covers over their chests. This time, the camera lands on them in bed with the covers all messed up. Not satisfied with this either, Tim goes to the bathroom a second time to return back to, again, the beginning of the evening. This third and final time, we find the two of them on the floor with covers and pillows and clothes everywhere around them.
They are definitely out of breath. In between times 1 and 3, Tim learned more and more about what Mary liked. By the time he comes back for round 3, he has a pretty good idea of how to satisfy her in bed. The moral of this story? First times are gonna suck or be just okay, even with the best of intentions.
It takes time It takes time to get to know someone, not only mentally and emotionally, but also physically. There are no constants; there are no universals when it comes to sex. Same thing for women. It takes time and practice to teach someone else how to pleasure you.
So why exactly do we expect first times to be mind-blowingly amazing? Here are the things I look for when having sex with a partner for the first time: Do they care about my pleasure, or just theirs? Are they in a rush to get to orgasm, or do they enjoy foreplay? Can I openly talk about what I want and need, or do they make me feel ashamed or ignored?
Do I feel safe enough around them to let go? I try to give my partners a wide berth for exploration, a wide margin of error. Because how else will they learn? Although, yes, it does lower inhibitions and make you feel more courageous and less shy, drinking is going to slow your responses sexual and otherwise and just decrease your pleasure. In my experience, drunk sex is never mind-blowing. Sure, if all you want is to scratch an itch, go ahead and hookup with someone. Emotional and intellectual connections feed physical intimacy.
Fundamentally, sex is a connective act. Physically, the hormones released during sex help two people bond together. So it makes sense that the better the connection, the potentially better the sex. Connections that are built purely on physical attractiveness and immediate availability like hookups are flimsy and ephemeral at best.
Those that are built on a strong base of friendship, care for each other and desire to know one another are much stronger, rooted deeper, and offer a greater potential for good sex. If you care about developing your relationship with them, you should give it time. All we need is time… and a lot more practice with each other.
Thank me with a coffee!