I was puffing on a cigarette outside of a lesbian club, looking all bleary-eyed and angst-ridden when an older dyke, probably about fifteen years my senior, came sauntering on over to me. She lit her cigarette and sucked back an impressive drag of smoke. None of my friends will talk to me because I drunkenly hooked up with one of their exes. Had I blacked out and gone hiking? Here are 30 rookie mistakes I made, that I finally stopped making by the time I hit 30 and became the seasoned lesbian I am today.
A post shared by Zara Barrie zarabarrie on Jun 3, at I throw myself under the bus and make myself an un-dateable, red-flag-waving lesbian so YOU can have a better dating life than I ever did.
Catching feelings for a girl with a boyfriend. This only leads to a smashed heart, a life-long distaste for all heterosexual-man-kind, and epic disappointment. Do not fall for a girl with a boyfriend. The older lesbian friend that laughed at me during that life-changing night at the bar was right. Hell hath no fury like a lesbian scorned by one of her Sapphic friends.
That grudge will last a lifetime. We are a fierce lesbian tribe. Upset one of us, upset all of us, baby. I know, I know. Hooking up with a bartender of my favorite bar. I promised myself I would never be the lesbian who u-hauled until I became the lesbian who u-hauled.
Signing leases against my better judgment. This bitch is insane! I was in downward dog trying to center myself. Sharing leggings is the gateway drug to peeing with the door open. And you know, every time you pee with the door open in front of your girlfriend, a lesbian angel loses her wings. A post shared by Zara Barrie zarabarrie on Apr 20, at 7: There is nothing sexy about your girlfriend associating you with her younger sibling.
When you start sharing a toothbrush, you lose your identity entirely. Preserve your individuality, and use your own toothbrush, please and thank you. Telling my girlfriend that her friend was flirting with me.
Unless you want to be at the center of the lesbian drama, that is. Which, yes, can be fun for five minutes, but quickly becomes, uh, terrifying… If you tell your girlfriend she looks sexier in blazers than she does in board shorts, she will resent you for the rest of your relationship. Just keep your mouth shut and accept your babe for the board-short-sporting lesbian that she is, OR find an authentic blazer-wearing girlfriend.
But you can, for the record, turn a housewife into a ho. Writing articles about being a crazy girlfriend on the internet.
Pretending to know what lesbian sex was when I had no clue. Pretending I knew how to scissor when I had no clue. Breaking up with my girlfriend when we were both on our periods. In fact, it will only exacerbate her desire.
Flirting with female cops, TSA agents, security guards, and other women in uniform because I assumed they were gay. I lust after a woman in a uniform, but sadly not all women in uniforms lust after me. I love those long, pointy Lana Del Rey nails. However, my ex-girlfriend did not appreciate them when I attempted penetration with those fierce talons. Oh, the sacrifices us fashion lezzies must make for sex!
Luckily orgasms feel better than acrylic nails taste. Learned this one the hard way. I thought it was something they stuck in your mouth at the dentist.
And I hate the dentist. I wear heaps of mascara, look great in pale pink, AND can rescue myself from any kind of disaster. Falling in love while wasted at lesbian parties. I was suddenly flooded with embarrassing memories of pronouncing my love to a girl whose name or face I could not remember. For the next year, I lived in incessant fear of running into this girl again. Though I did find a great way to get out of this.
You never stress me out, which is why it feels foreign to say your beautiful name when I feel stressed. Butch, femme, stem, tall, short—I like all kinds of lesbians as the French would say, lesbiennes. Playing hard to get. Slipping up and telling a girl on the first Tinder date I had already looked at her Instagram. Thinking the first girl I ever dated was the love of my life and that would I never get over her. Your emotions are too out of whack, the stakes are too high.
Plus, in order to know what you truly like, you need to get in there and date as many different ladies as you possibly can. So dry those tears, babe. A post shared by Zara Barrie zarabarrie on Jul 7, at 5: