She is wondering if this is alright, and if she should address him. What do I say to him if anything? Concerned Girlfriend Dear Concerned Girlfriend, This is a very interesting question, and it really depends on how you feel about your boyfriend.
From your question, I can tell that you two were together in the past. There was a period during which you two broke up, and now you are back together. It seems that you may have even gone for years without dating each other.
There are some questions that I want you to ask yourself before you decide whether or not you say anything to your boyfriend: Why did the two of you break up in the first place? There must have been some reason for the two of you to have ended your relationship. Did you two just differ in the ways you think and behave? Was there infidelity involved on either side? Take a really good look at the reasons why your relationship ended the first time.
Try to look objectively at what conflicts you had then, and see if they are still there. If there was infidelity involved, then there is going to be a major trust issue between the two of you that you will have to overcome this time around. What led the two of you to get back together?
I get all kinds of answers to that question. Some couples, after they break up, realize how much they really loved each other and how petty their conflicts were. They get back together and work on resolving their conflicts in a more constructive way. This is a healthy example of how two people get back together. Was he active on the online dating sites the first time you were dating?
It is really important to know this, because if you were OK with it the first time around, then he probably assumes you do not have a problem with it now. Take a little bit of time and think about how you really feel about this. Are you just mildly annoyed by this, or is this a more serious issue to you? For example, if you are going to threaten to leave him unless he cancels out all of his online dating accounts, then you should be prepared to really leave him.
On the other hand, if it is just a mild annoyance to you, then it may not even be worth the energy to talk about it with him. The decision on what to say to him is ultimately based on how you feel about the situation.
How did you find out that he has been on online dating site? You did not mention this in your question. Did you just stumble onto this information because you share the same computer, or is it more complex than that? Do you have reason to mistrust your boyfriend? Have you been checking his computer accounts without his awareness? Are you yourself on dating sites and found out through your own account that he has been logged on?
The answer to this question will tell you a lot about how much you and your boyfriend trust each other. The simple message of the above questions for you is that first you need to know more about yourself. I want to share with you that although your question is very short, I get a sense that you do not trust your boyfriend.
I believe that trust is the main ingredient for a healthy relationship, and without it, the relationship becomes troublesome and both of the partners suffer. I believe that once you know more about what you want from your relationship, it is important for you to talk to your boyfriend and clear the mystery of this situation. Open communication is essential for building a trusting and ultimately loving relationship.
When you do talk, make sure you cover these areas: You believe that you are in an exclusive relationship with your boyfriend. The first thing you need to do is to make sure if your boyfriend is under the same impression. For example, does it mean you can still flirt with or even date other people as long as there is no physical intimacy with anyone else, or does it mean completely exclusive?
Stay firm and let him know that you need to discuss the issue of his online dating activities, before you can start talking about the issue of how you found out. Ask him why he needs to continue looking if he is already in a satisfying relationship. I am afraid he is staying with you while looking for something he would perceive as better or more exciting. Let him know what your feelings are about the the situation and what you need from him.
Do not expect him to read your mind. Notice that I cannot tell from your question how you feel about this, and what you expect. He probably does not know either. Be precise and clear. For example, you may tell him that this is unacceptable to you and would lead to ending your relationship, or you may tell him that you would prefer that he stop looking. Again, you need to know where you stand before you talk to him.
Make sure the conversation ends with clear understanding of expectations on both sides. Your feelings and expectations are your own, and no matter how much another person tries to change them for you, it never works.
Words to live by: It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish.