I am the oldest of the three of us and have always tried to take care of and guide my little sisters the best I can. It is killing me that I can't find a way to help my youngest sister, even though she doesn't want help. My youngest sister is almost 23 we'll call her Kay and has a two and a half year old daughter. She moved back home from out of state, split up with my niece's dad, and started living with my husband and I about a year and a couple months ago.
About three months later she started dating a guy we'll call him Ray she met on OKcupid and they seemed to hit it off. Things were all good until Christmas time last year when our middle sister we'll call her Jane came home for the holidays. Jane and one of our brothers remembered the new boyfriend from high school and told the family he was most likely bad news.
That was red flag number one. Red flag number two came in January. At this point they had been together a while, Ray knew she had a daughter from the beginning and that she was looking for a long term relationship. He went to a wedding a few hours from home and called her telling her how he loves being a bachelor and never wants kids, doesn't want to be tied down and is going to do what he wants while he is young.
Kay was confused by this and told me that they talked about it and he said he was drunk and just jealous of the life that his friends had. Upon returning he would not go anywhere near my niece.
Ray kept referring to her as "it" and saying that my sister should "hand it off to someone else" so they could go have a good time. This is where he started to rub me the wrong way, all of this was happening in my apartment and no baby should be treated like an "it". During this time my sister started to change her hair and her clothes, and diet like crazy. Red flag number three was the lie that he told about his job.
He had told Kay and myself that he was a police officer. Slowly over time it came out that he had been to a police academy and never went on to get a job as a police officer. He did however always carry a weapon.
I saw him many times handle a loaded weapon improperly around my niece and I will admit I lost my shit. I told Kay that I would not have weapons in my home and that if she wanted to continue living there she needed to enforce that rule. Kay seemed to get more distant by the day and spend less and less time being an active mother and more time worrying about how to make him happy.
During spring break, while my husband and I were on vacation, my nieces dad called me and asked if it was true that Ray had a weapon around his daughter and I confirmed it. Apparently he had heard from someone else in the family, as he has been a close family friend for a very long time. He then lost his shit and called Kay and everything exploded. Kay sent out an angry mass text to everyone in the family saying that we were on her ex's side and then Ray sent me a text calling me a cunt and telling me that he would do what ever he wanted in my house when ever he wanted and that there was nothing I could do about it.
I then told Kay again that if she didn't enforce the no weapon rule that she could leave. She agreed to the rule but she never apologized or made any effort to tell Ray that what he did was not okay. That is when I knew I couldn't continue living in that situation.
It broke my heart to leave my niece but I moved out anyway and Kay stayed living where we were with new room mates. A few more months go by and we are not seeing much of Kay, and then BAM she is broken hearted. She knows for sure Ray has cheated. After her breaking up with him he confessed in a long letter all of the girls he cheated with, the one he got pregnant and forced to abort in January and all of the lies he told her from day one.
I was supportive of her in the best ways I knew how, telling her I know how much she was hurting, avoiding saying what a douche he is and telling her it would be okay. She got tested and swore she wouldn't take him back but he wouldn't leave her alone. He just kept texting and calling for weeks and she gave in.
She is convinced that he has changed. She got back with together him and since then she avoids us all. I know part of it is because she knows we all hate him and she is sick of hearing everyone say he is a douche. I have tried telling my other family members that talking bad about him is just going to push her away but they don't listen and as soon as she is gone they talk bad about her too.
She got in a huge fight with Jane on Saturday and no one has talked to her since. I feel like there is no way to be around her without her getting defensive and pissed off at us. We are losing her and there is nothing I can do. I feel completely helpless. Do I do anything? How do I keep her and my niece in my life when I can't stand to be around him? How does she not see that she is a million times better than this and he is never going to change?
I miss my happy sister, my beautiful, confident, mother of the year sister, he took her away and she went happily and I hate him for it. Sorry for the wall of words and thanks for listening.
My sister's BF is terrible. I want her in my life, but not with him around. It's a hard situation but I will do my best to support her with out badgering her.