Newly separated, she's seeing someone else I appreciate all the responses. I'll try to address some of these things in order. The new guy, he's someone who she knew 15 years ago, someone she hasn't been in contact with in years. Has she carried a torch for this guy all that time? Is she just grabbing the first friendly face that gives her the tingles?
But I can say that my ex-wife is not James Bond. It might sound ridiculous to say that I can look at her face and tell when she's lying, but I knew right away when she did lie to me. Also, she doesn't work and the kids are home for the most part, and she never went out. She just didn't have time. If there were hidden email accounts I'd know.
And finally, the chain of emails was pretty clear. They met for lunch a month after I left, she emailed him a few weeks later to see if he was involved with anyone and if he'd like to meet for a drink, and then their little tryst last night. So unless they laid an elaborate trail of false breadcrumbs in a place she wouldn't have thought I'd be looking, or it really happened this way. Hindsight being what it is, if there was a time when she was being shifty and making excuses to get out, I'd remember.
The kids are mine. If you saw a picture of the three of us there'd be no doubt. They're little versions of me, and even she wouldn't do that. At the risk of sounding even more pathetic, she's a genuinely nice person.
Warm, kind, very maternal and soft. But once she decided she was done with me she hardened herself against me, turned to ice, and gave herself permission to do whatever she wants. So the kids are without question mine. And the affair has started since I left, but not long since, no STDs. I feel I'm on solid ground there. Crossbar asked about the nature of our fights.
We fought sometimes about money, sometimes about her family, sometimes about her mom, but mostly she wouldn't really have the interest in spending time with me. She's battled some pretty crippling depression for longer than we were together. She went to bed early at night, didn't want to go out much, and I would go from supportive and flirty, to grumpy and passive-aggressive, to arguing. And as weeks turned into a month or two with no sex, no intimacy, no real interest I'd sort of shut down and sulk.
She'd say she wouldn't feel attracted to me when I'm grumpy, and I'd say I'm grumpy because I wasn't getting any attention. Was she pushing me away because she was feeling like our marriage had run its course? Ignore me until there was a fight and then not feel guilty about not being involved in our relationship because I'm a jerk?
Even if she didn't know she was doing it, probably. We don't live in an at fault state, and we have nothing anyway. Our assets roughly equal our debts, after she buys me out of the house. There won't be any money to divide. OldWolf, I hear what you're saying.
I desperately want to grow a pair. And talking it out helps. The more I talk to my friends the more I see the problems we had in our marriage. I know now there won't be a reconciliation. I couldn't go back, and she clearly doesn't want that. I'm scared of a future without her. When I was in pain, when I needed help, I would turn to her. She was my best friend. I haven't been on my own in a really long time. I don't know how I'll convince some new person to be interested in me, and trust them.
They say it will pass, they say it'll get better. I'll read the articles, I'll try what they say. I need to move forward. My guts hurt all the time, and it's hard to see her.
Anyway, the kids are here now and they always make me feel great. I'll keep checking in.