Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. In a speed-dating study conducted at Columbia University in , Asian men also had the most difficulty getting a second date. What do your parents want for you in a partner? My parents grew up financially unstable in China. They look back at it and laugh now, but my mother recalls having to share one bowl of rice for dinner with all her siblings.
Whenever the rice got too low in the bowl, they would add water to make the illusion that there was more food. Everything I want, I get on my own. Like my mother, I am resilient and I am a go-getter. What have your experiences with interracial dating been like? My last boyfriend was black. At the time, I was working and living in New York City. We met dancing at a club in NYC on a Friday night.
I appreciated the experiences we shared, but looking back, I think I let my insecurities get in the way of fully living in the moment of our relationship. Whenever we would go out clubbing together, boys would always hit on him first. Granted, he was more muscular and taller, but when things like that happened, I became much more afraid of losing him because I thought that I was easily replaceable.
As an Asian man, standing right next to him, dudes would just completely disregard me. I thought that my chances of finding another guy were much lower, so I convinced myself that I needed this relationship more than my partner. In my head, our races created a power dynamic and the pendulum swung more in favor towards my partner. She identifies as lesbian and lives in Portland, Oregon.
How did your parents respond to you being a lesbian? My mother is very adamant and not discreet in her disappointment that I have not yet found a nice Vietnamese man to date. Not only do I not wish to date within my own race, I prefer to date my own gender. Even before I came out to her, I had a black boyfriend.
She was not happy about that. I feel like Asians fall into that gray area of not being accepted as a person of color while being seen as a weird fetish. Vicky is an American of Vietnamese, Korean and Chinese descent. She's a straight woman living in Austin, Texas. What have been your experiences on dating apps? As for my experiences with the others? Full of white guys.
I tried East Meet East. I was on it for less than 30 minutes and deleted my account. Bumble and OKC have been the best so far in terms of matches and responses. However, I get the sense that not many women that make their way to Pittsburgh are looking for a guy who looks or thinks like me.
How does your Asian-ness intersect with your ideas on masculinity? I grew up practicing self-defense and playing competitive sports, but I also cooked and cleaned and sang and danced in musicals. The women I have dated understood that I desired equality within a relationship, that we would be partners. Dhara is a straight Indian-American woman living in New Jersey. What have your experiences been like dating newly arrived Asian immigrants?
Physical appearance is something they always bring up and they always come on extremely strong and in your face from the beginning. Yes, because my parents have two pretty different perspectives: The fetishization Asian-American women have to deal while dating is pretty widespread. Has that affected your dating life? One of my biggest gripes with the fetishization of Asian women is that it reduces us to purely physical objects, associated with being docile and obedient.
Well, I had a fairly matriarchal upbringing, which is common among Filipino families. My mom assumed the position of financial and familial authority, and my dad supported that dynamic entirely, taking on the role of raising my sister and me at home.
This dynamic translated into my views of masculinity and feminism, and ultimately, my dating preferences. I value my independence, financial and otherwise, and have always been drawn to men who find my independence to be empowering, not emasculating. Needless to say, they were immediately disappointed. Do you date Asians exclusively or have you had experiences with interracial dating?
Fortunately, instead of minimizing my concerns, my current boyfriend a white male listens to my grievances and makes a conscious effort to advance the cause of racial and gender equality. I think the pecking order is something along the lines of: How do your sexual orientation and gender identity affect your dating life as an Asian-American?
Growing up in an extremely religious Korean household, almost everything was forbidden. Unless they were white; oddly, my mom thought that was more palatable because she was fed this idea that white equals success. When I was 12, I remember being attracted to women.
These interviews have been edited for clarity and length.