Are you just asking people to vote on this? Little to lose, plenty to gain. We work together at Company X, I'm in accounting. Want to get together for lunch? We can compare okcupid stories! Last summer I was browsing OKCupid and noticed the profile of a very attractive guy with a personality that seemed compatible. But I prefer to let guys message me first so I didn't write him. Since I live in a small town, we had a lot in common and he checked his profile pretty frequently I assumed he would message me if he was interested.
Then a couple of weeks later I actually met him in person through some mutual friends. It was weird because I knew we both had most likely seen each other's profiles but neither of us mentioned it.
Anyway, we got along very well in person, I started crushing on him a bit and shortly after meeting he came onto me at a party and we hooked up. He asked me on a few dates and things started out really well but he suddenly lost interest, told me he wasn't looking for a relationship, and this thing dragged out into a long, tortuous drama fest for me because I was really into him.
My advice is NOT to message him because I think if you get to know him in person and he's interested he will ask you out. You can probably assume he's seen your profile and he knows you are single, so nothing is stopping him if he gets the opportunity. I think you will make things needlessly awkward for yourself if you message him and he turns you down. I had a mutual match whom I worked with. But the version of her I knew in real life for quite some time--no way in heck. It freaked me out knowing that she saw me on Match.
Your mileage may vary, and I don't think knowing her in person AND on OKcupid really has anything to do with one or the other. A casual get-together where everything is up front is, IMO, better than a situation like timsneezed's where you have to pretend like you didn't see his profile.
It was actually really creepy; he sent me a message on the site saying something like "Hey I didn't know you were single, you should have told me if you needed a date. Dude, if you were interested, you should have had the guts to ask me out in person instead of sending me a lame message on a dating site.
Hell, you should have had the guts to at least have a single conversation with me. I actually think you really should just bring it up lightly and casually, and I'd personally vote in person- "hey funny thing okcupid matched me with you. If it doesn't go well or he's skittish, at least it's all out on the table and nobody's hiding anything.
Yes, you saw his profile; no, you're not ashamed of that; no, you're not going to pretend you didn't or expect him to pretend he hasn't seen you there. If you must send a message online first, headnsouth's is a good way to do it-- acknowledge that you know the guy, keep it super light, no pretending, and see where it goes. What if he's not interested in you?
He's either going to have to dread going to lunch because he's afraid to lead you on but doesn't know how to say no, or he'll have to say no and then it's awkward for you two if you see each other. It's really a terrible feeling having to turn down someone online who you kind of know in real life through friends. Don't put him in that spot. But definitely say hi on okcupid, something like "Hey it's Anonymous from work. Fancy seeing you on here! Hope you're having better luck on this site than I am.
Feel free to say hi on the train sometime, I wouldn't mind a commute buddy. If he is not interested, he will continue with the casual hellos without taking it any further, but also without having had to turn you down.
And then you'll know whether to get over this crush or not. But hopefully good things will come out of this. I think you would regret it more if you didn't do it, than if you did it and he said no not saying he would say no, of course. You would always wonder "what if". If you decide to ask him out, do it how ever you're most comfortable. As for the rumor mill, ignore it. I know its hard, but you're living life for you, not them. I know people will always gossip, but at this stage in life I'm in my 30s also it just seems ridiculous, particularly in a professional environment.
And, just be prepared for any emotional fallout if he says no or it doesn't work out. It might be painful or awkward at work afterwards, but the risk is worth the potential payoff.
I think I would feel creeped out and put on the spot. That same summer another guy approached me in a cafe and asked me if I had a profile up on a dating site.
He was cute and I might have been interested but I was flustered and a bit embarrassed so reflexively I told him I didn't. I really think you should just flirt with him in person. I actually ended up hooking up with one of the girls I did that too because of it, we had known each other for a while but I didn't know she was single and looking until i saw her on okcupid..
I guess it depends on your personality and hell well you know the person. I already know the girl I hooked up with fairly well before i winked at her on okcupid..
Maybe just send a wink or a short messages saying: Work issues and potential weirdness is why you shouldn't try to date this person. I think it would be easy to get over it quickly if it doesn't turn out beautifully.
Is your profile public? If you want to be cautious you could wait and see if he checks you out first. If you want to move forward more quickly - I vote for making a move with headnsouth's kind of direct message. I just think it's really easy to think someone was just checking in to say hi with something ambiguous. I think that's a non-issue. Talk to him in person, flirt with him if it feels right, ask him out to lunch, and take it from there.
Don't worry about whether you need to mention the profile. Whether you need to worry about being turned down or the rumor mill is entirely up to your personal tolerance for mild -- or what I would call -- mild embarrassment. Think about what, in five or ten years, you think you would regret more: He works in a different department, so it might be difficult to get to know him in real life. I say, ask him out on Okcupid. I, too, like Headnsouth's message blueprint.
So what if nothing comes of it? At least you'd have nothing to regret, and who knows? Your invitation might be welcome: